


Please just...

by lily_lovely



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Angst, F/F, Poetic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-08-29
Updated: 2009-08-29
Packaged: 2017-10-02 23:06:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lily_lovely/pseuds/lily_lovely
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I know you, I am you, but I'm not you, not anything close.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Please just...

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kitty_poker1](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=kitty_poker1).



You took everything from me.

You flutter in on a wind from catch-me-if-you-can devil-may-care freedom, a spinning vortex about to explode, throwing your crow-dark hair and grape-green heart around like credit cards. I've seen your type I know that look--itching to take me apart, to destroy everything you can. You can't wait to grab my life and run off with it into the bleary fume-filled sunrise.

You think your body gives you a right an ownership, but nothing's ever been less yours than I am. First girl to turn you down cause I know you, I am you, and I don't want to be with me to be anywhere near me. I've seen your hidden face reflected in the gasoline pools of the gutter.

You're all about the gutter, aren't you, about wallowing filth so I'll feel sorry for you and capsize myself into a trusting face and then you'll stab me, in the back, in the side, in the brain, it doesn't matter where you stab me because it's everywhere, and what did I do to deserve that, I'm not deserving.

I cry that you're wrong you're sick you're broken, but you keep eating your way through my throbbing heart until the juice runs down your chin like you've been eating peaches. Like I'm a peach ripening under the sun of you until I'm nothing but shivering bone.

You're a devourer, the moon who swallowed the earth. You think you belong in my life in my town with me but you don't, I thought you didn't, do you? You try to come closer but the only way you know how is by ripping everything to pieces, stomping on the flowers as you run to that shining paradise just out of reach.

Stop running stop trying to find me, I'm not yours to find. You keep almost finding me, grazing your fingers against the door but then it shatters, splinters flying, scratching up our skin--I told you not to try. Look what you've done, look what we did.

You think we're the same, sad lonely souls looking for heart but I'm not you, not anything close. I ask you to go away but my lips are saying stay, or maybe it's the other way around, I don't know anymore.

I tell you to go home, to run back to Boston, to fuck your way out of this town but you stay you stay you always stay. But then you leave, I made you leave, I left you, I pushed you out of here so hard and fast that I think your bones might have stayed on that rooftop, burning to dust.

Now you lie here in this cold white bed and I sit beside you like a cold white corpse, and I sit here every day thinking about how I died.

I thought I'd finally live now that you're gone, no more turning around feeling like you're always there because you are, but I still see you in every strand of long dark hair I catch passing me by, always passing me by, what's wrong with me why can't you look at me?

You run and you stay and you eat and you've destroyed me, I'm no longer here. You haunt me like a ghost who's not dead, like something that can't be but is.

You should be dead. I am dead. We should all be dead, a thousand times dead, but we stay stay stay. We always stay, pushing through the next apocalypse like we still have lungs to breathe with, hearts to beat but there's nothing left, I'm broken and you're broken and we all fall down.

You say you'll listen to me, you turn an ear, but my words fall in an arc, a waterfall that just almost maybe enters you but never quite does. You shake me off, laughing, always smiling even when I know you're covered in maggots and blood, we both keep our smiles on so we can't see the need, the weakness. You say it doesn't matter, let's go, B, and that one letter makes me want to scream and punch and weep so I do. But not now, not at you, never with you.

You're covered in blood and it's blood we share, Slayer blood, more than anyone else we're connected and that's what makes us so hard to keep together. The same but no we're different. You can't hold on and I'm always holding until everything's slipped away and I hadn't even noticed I actually wanted it until it's gone. You're gone. Where did you go, do you think of me there, can you hear me? Please talk to me, please please say something.

I believed in you until you died at my feet--I never said it with words but I did trust you, I think I did, I wished I could have--and now it's just me, alone like I've always been but more so because there's no one to glitter and glom at my side, no one to pout sultry through my thin excuses.

I'm singing over your clean white grave, the sad sad song of how we never loved never pulled this third-degree-burn into something new, a cleansing kind of fire, wash our past away.

Sometimes they pass by, staring at me cause I'm always whispering this song to you, but I don't care because you need to know how sad I am that this never happened, hasn't happened, us holding hands and talking but when we aren't both dead, when you can say something back.

We kept flinging ourselves at each other like missiles in the night but we never managed to collide. You've driven me to insanity in a blood-colored car, and once upon a before I met you that might have been a joke but not anymore, when everyone looks at me without seeing what this means, what I mean, and not just the nurses.

Of all the things you took from me that's the one I'll miss the most. Walking through a door and knowing who has my back, my heart. Looking at people and knowing exactly what they mean. It was all so clear before you came, how to love and how to fight and how to kill and how to die. It made sense and now I'm not sure if it ever really did, maybe you opened my eyes to how wrong everything is, how broken people are.

Or maybe you ruined everything maybe I should have always been that way. But I can't go back, can't unsee a dying man, your dying man. He won't stop gurgling at me.

I'm collapsing, falling apart over your stupid hospital gown and IV tubes, all covered in the flowers I haven't bought for you but imagine that I have.

We're the same but we're different, because we're both dead but my death's harder, sitting here whispering at you the things I couldn't say when we were alive. You just lie there not even twitching, and sometimes I lean over and check if you're still breathing because I'm not sure I've never been sure, and you're the definition of unsure wearing sure over you like a tight leather jacket, but you don't fool me you never could.

I'm not sure if I'd say these things if you came back to life right now, I don't think I could. I don't think you'd understand or it would make any sense, or maybe I'd fall to pieces fall away, let go once I knew you were alive. Once you live I don't have to, but since you don't I have to stay here clutching your hand, feeding you with words and tears and blood. I'm pouring myself down your throat but I'm the one who's choking, coughing up everything I never said while you lie there as if nothing's happened.

Even now that you're dead I can't say these things right out loud, I have to speak softly. But I'm not ashamed, there's no harshness here, I swear there isn't, and when you wake up I won't need words I'll just kiss you until it all melts away. And I'll tell you all these things one day, or maybe they're seeping through your chest curling into your marrow and I'll never have to say them because you'll always know, you'll know me like I think I know you, do I know you?

I hurt you and you hurt me but it's over now, and if you'd just wake up we could fix it, I promise we could.

Please?


End file.
